I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas...
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I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
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You can't have it all . . . besides, where would you put it?
You can't have it all . . . besides, where would you put it?
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?
When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Yeah, it's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it!
Yeah, it's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it!
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I was reading the dictionary the other day. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I was reading the dictionary the other day. I thought it was a poem about everything.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's *always* room temperature.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's *always* room temperature.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
I'm constantly tap dancing and wearing bright clothing and talking really loud and smiling all the t...
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I'm constantly tap dancing and wearing bright clothing and talking really loud and smiling all the time. As soon as they can't see me I take off whatever I was wearing, step into my tap shoes, run back stage and turn the music on. - on what he's like off-stage
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There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space....
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A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, may...
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'
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We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually.
We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually.
